Finding a FemDom Partner


by Yours Truly


It’s one of the most frequently asked questions in online forums, and one of the most common issues facing people who want to engage with kink practice (and FemDom specifically) in a way that involves partners and real life experience– how do you find people to play with and explore? How do you find a Domme, a sub, a slave, a Mistress, or ____________?

In this guide we’ll be exploring a number of approaches to that question, and helping prepare you to have successful FemDom relationships and experiences.


Checking In With Yourself

The first step in finding a kink partner of any persuasion is to start with the person with whom you want this potential partner you’re imagining to engage: yourself.

It’s part of an ongoing process that should be included at any level of experience or maturity, but kink practice is a two way street that requires you to think just as much about your perspective and preparation as you do the kind of partner you want.

Start with making lists and setting intentions that let you get to know yourself as a kinky person, like a “Want/Will/Won’t” list that lets you define your desires, interests, and limits, or a list of your kink and fetish priorities that you rank by how much you want that thing to be included in the kink experiences you’re seeking, or a list of kink curiosities that interest you and that you want to explore.

Make lists of “hard” nos and “soft” nos that let you decide what you don’t want included under any circumstances and what’s not part of your orientation but you would explore if a partner wanted it.

Also, ask yourself real questions about your abilities, sensitivities, and needs. What is your level of real experience? Do you have any physical or mental needs that a partner would need to be conscious of? How would you want those particulars about yourself addressed?

Making decisions about these things and being conscious of them will help a lot down the road when you finally meet the person you’ll have a chance to explore with, and you’ll be ready for the conversations you need to have when you get the chance to have them.

Then start asking yourself questions about how you’d like those things to come into your life and experiences.


Knowing What You Want

  • Are you looking for…
    • a play partner? An ongoing relationship? A kinky friendship? A romantic relationship? A nesting partner?
  • Do you want that relationship to be…
    • Casual? Committed? Exclusive? Polyamorous?
  • Does it include…
    • Sex? Kink only? Life partnership?
  • Is the role you desire in this relationship…
    • Dominant? Submissive? Switchy? A combination?
  • Do you want…
    • A mentor? A student? An exploring partner? Something fun? Something deep?
  • Is your focus…
    • Bondage? Discipline? Sadomasochism? Power exchange? Ritual? Physical experience? Emotional experience?
  • Are your goals…
    • To learn? To experience? To share? To discover? To grow?
  • Are you ready for something…
    • Online? In private spaces? In shared spaces? In community spaces?
  • Is your kink practice…
    • Secret? Private? Open? Public?

Making Yourself Ready

Once you’ve gotten some ideas about these things and the direction you’d like to go, do what you can to be ready for that experience when it comes.

Develop ideas and fantasies, brainstorm scenarios and scenes, even write down some fantasy situations that describe what you’re interested in and comfortable with, and think about what parts of that you can share with a partner.

If a kink you want included has skills involved, take time to start learning and practicing! Learn about gear, toys, and tools. Learn how to use them. If you’re interested in impact play, learn how to use a paddle or whip or other implement, whether you want to give or receive. If you like leather, learn how to care for and treat it. If it involves anal play, educate yourself on how that works.

You’ll also want to examine any risk factors involved in the kinks you want to explore. How is impact play done safely? What about rope bondage? Ballbusting? Trampling? How would these things affect you in particular because of your specific needs and circumstances? Understand too, that something else you’ll want to bring to the table is a shared perspective on risk, communication, and how you intend to be proactive about minimizing the potential for harm for anyone involved.


Finding Potential Partners

While people often jump ahead to this section in the hopes of determining how to seek and find a partner, the preparation you’ll have done by this point will make a big difference in how that interaction takes place, and as you go through the process with the people you find the groundwork you’ve laid will be very welcome and appreciated.

Ultimately, your first goal in seeking a kink partner should be to involve kink more in your life and to connect with sympathetic and like minded people. You’ll certainly find people to play and experience with, but if what you want at the beginning is to connect and be understood in order to better understand yourself and make progress.

And what we’re talking about is the importance of making kink a priority in in your life there are a lot of ways that can happen. You can read kinky books, look at porn, go on forums, talk with others you trust, go sex toy shopping, watch kinky movies, and think about the way all this investment in thinking about and enjoying a kink presence in your life feeds back on what you have to talk about when you meet someone who’s on the same page.

Then start looking at where you can have those conversations and compare those experiences with people like you. Explore your local scene, if you live somewhere where there are kink clubs, dungeons, or rope studios, or where you can find “munches” or other meetups to attend. Think of part of your participation in kink as a social thing that is more about meeting people at all before you put too fine a point on it by saying you’re just looking for partners. Sex shops and kink organizations will often put on workshops and educational events too, where you can explore new things or familiar things with others who are interested.

You can also explore online spaces like FetLife (which is not a dating site but you can make a profile that talks about you and your interests and which is great for finding events), or communities on Reddit or other forums that are specific to the kind of kink you want to engage with. If you want to find partners on dating websites or apps, consider ones like OKCupid or Match.com that give you more space to talk about who you are and what you want rather than the simplified ones like Tinder and Bumble. If there are questions you can add to your profile that get the conversation going about where you might line up with someone else, answer them! Whatever approach you take, make sure you are outward and open that kink is something you want in your relationships, and that kink compatibility or at least kink curiosity is important with anyone you would want to date. Just come out and say it! No one will know that’s on the table or that there may be potential between you in that way without getting the conversation started.

You can also seek out opportunities to meet and flirt outside the specific kink scene and community by seeking out places are sympathetic to sexuality and sex positivity. LGBTQ+ spaces, Burlesque venues, independent toy shops, queer bars, etc. are all places where you’ll find not just what’s on the sign in front but people who are open-minded and interested in the things you want to explore. Basically anywhere willing to fly a rainbow flag is a place where you can feel safe in being outward and open about wanting kinky community.

If you establish yourself in these communities with this preparation, you’re likely to find invitations to private kink parties and events, which are other social ways of building relationships that can include kink expression, exploration, and play.


Playing

In some of these spaces you’ll find opportunities to play with new partners, whether in a dating context, digitally, or in a play space/dungeon environment.

Always prioritize safety, communication, and consent, and play only with those with whom you feel completely comfortable on the basis that they do the same.

Discuss everything we described above, in the ways that are relevant, with the person you want to play with, and begin the scene you will conduct together with a private talk about exactly what will happen and how, discuss risk factors and limits, and do not begin playing until you each are satisfied with that discussion and feel ready.

Remember that what ever takes place and however the scene is constructed, you always have control over your safety and wellbeing no matter what role you assume, and that includes the ability to stop or change the scene at any point for any reason. Establish a way to communicate within the scene, whether that’s a “safeword” that stops things completely, or a “green/yellow/red” approach that lets you say when something needs to be changed or stopped completely. Be active in your communication to some degree or another at all times, using words, sounds, blinks, or whatever else you establish beforehand, and make sure you’re playing with a partner who is listening actively to the way you’re responding.

Dating

With dating and partnership in the picture, remain considerate, conscious, and thoughtful about defining what you want and communicating that with someone in whom you are interested.

Talk openly about the path that you’re on together and what each of you feels is a part of that process. Don’t assume that your perspective on how a relationship should develop, or on what things automatically carry over from traditional or “vanilla” models, are shared by the person you’re engaging with. Instead, have explicit discussions and make explicit agreements about what you want your relationship to look like and feel like, and live faithfully by those agreements unless and until they are modified in a future discussion or you separate or transform the relationship.

Talk about what’s on and off the table, talk about what you want to explore together, set yourself goals, talk about what kind of exploration and play with others is appropriate for both of you, and anything else you feel that needs to be talked about and understood.

As you date, recognize the complexity of the chemistry involved in your engagement with another person, the many wants, needs, and persuasions of each person you connect with, and be open and honest with yourself and with each other about what is and isn’t a good fit. Know that each person you date is also on their own journey, and try to ask whether your paths are aligned and headed in the same direction before assuming they are automatically intertwined. Give people the chance to be themselves and ask how that fits in with you rather than attempting to dictate or force the way things will be.

Be careful not to “shop”, or bring a checklist mentality to the person you’re considering playing with and dating. We all have needs and wants, like we explored above, but remember to be generous and kind with people’s need to be themselves and their ability to grow and change, and look for your opportunities on the basis of your connection, not an artificial set of criteria. There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want, as we’ve said so far, but make sure you’re not too fixated on getting everything you want all at one time, or working with the expectation that your “perfect person” will magically appear for your approval. Make sure, too, that you’re not punishing people for being something other than exactly right for you, and be willing to let relationships change and end in order to pursue that real compatibility.


Developing a FemDom Relationship

If you’ve reached this point, and your most relevant consideration is how to build and enhance a deep, significant FemDom relationship, congratulations!

By now you’ll have benefited from the development of many skills and talents with regard not only to your kink practice but to the way you build and explore relationships, and those are things that will serve you well. Double down on those things! Be ready, always, to continue communicating, continue learning and exploring, continue being open, and to find new ways of doing those things and more. Challenge yourself to connect with your partner over and over again in that space of honesty, trust, and vulnerability that you’ve become accustomed to, and prioritize upholding those commitments and maintaining the potential for growth.

Do more of the same and do things you’ve never done before, don’t do things you said you wouldn’t or that haven’t been brought up or negotiated. Nurture your connection with your partner and keep the lines of communication open, and make sure there are always opportunities to address anything that needs to be discussed.

If you do these things you’ll continue growing and bonding together, and the rest is up to you.


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